...just thought I'd let you know,

driving a white phantom around downtown,
sheltered in shadows of in metal, stone ominous gods

in search of a rabbit astray,

happened upon a man hole and tripped, found myself somewhere familiarly odd,

strange people talking backwards on cell phone, near pay phones,

Like a deck of cards file too and fro, on steel glass red bullets

And gone, gone in cold night

The invisible became visible, the nonexistent came to the plane
of my own in question existence, logic & proportion askew

keys in hand i stepped on to this lunar landing, pivoting on the direction of a voice,

Ran into a black rabbit, "You're late" my throat seizes, and looked straight into whiskey eyes, burning my throat

My heart races, against reason, doubt and despair, but the rabbit drags me along,

little walk in this strange place I should know, came upon a mad hatter and gawky caterpillar, a home i'd longed to find,

In black soft, enveloping rocks I listened and awed, at the reasonable nonsense I heard, tranquil beneath,

books, books, tome, and tomes, of deceiving lines and turna phrases that all walked right up and let you down beneath songs nobody heard

a spiced mint tea, and two hours later, the rabbit, became a queen, and I'd love to stay but reality seeps

a vibration, a click of the heels and I'm gone....


Back from Wonderland, Ladies and Gentlemen,

I can't wait to return....


PS. In case you were wondering, that was crappy free verse everybody!

....Well, shits been going on and going on and going on,

School's still stressful but my friends all share in my misery so its all good, nothing says human connection like stress and suffering....


Me and my only gay friend are working on a tv series believe it or not. Its pretty cool so far, being based on our experiences as teenagers in a gray world that's trying to define black and white. She and I are like lost souls from past lives, only know this girl for two years and I feel as though I've known her for a lifetime. Sadly I found out that her bone cancer has come back...

She's not going to say anything to anyone about it except me, and she's not doing chemo. She's gonna try this experimental drug that will allow her to come to school with out any visible signs but still some major side effects, the scary thing is that it might not even treat the cancer properly...

She been on my mind lately, half her immediate family has died (older brother, twin bro, and uncle), her family won't accept her as a lesbian, her ex girlfriend aka her first love is back with vengeance and no love,....and yet this girl comes to school everyday with a smile on her face, a quite, brave, simple smile....

...God or what ever cosmic being you believe or don't believe in, I think puts people in our lives for a reason...I'm not quite sure why she's in my life or why I'm in hers....
But...somehow I think its unfair for a girl like that to deal with so much pain so soon in her life....


We all are fighting some kind of battle...I fought with myself and almost lost so many times for the past two years, I'm still fighting sometimes...and so is she....so is every one in the world....

It just feels to me that this girl is just worn out, like a beautiful rag doll dragged through all the muck...she comes to school and I see that smile fade and fade, those eyes dull and dull, and that face pale and pale...and my heart break and break

I just want her to live....I just want her to smile that simple smile...tell her a joke to hear that giggling snort...I just want my friend back...


...If any of yall's believe in God or lack there of, please just say a prayer, give a positive thought, or something...something and anyhting will help....

AND NO I'M NOT DEPRESSED ABOUT IT, I'M JUST THINKING

Just answer the stupid thing in your comments

+WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I...+
I committed suicide:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there:

+WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY...+
Personality:
Eyes:
Hair:
Family:

+WOULD YOU...+
Be my friend?:
Keep a secret if I told you one?:
Hold my hand?:
Take a bullet for me?:
Keep in touch?:
Try and solve my problems?:
Love me?:
Date me?:

+HAVE YOU EVER...+
Lied to make me feel better?:
Wanted to kiss me?:
Wanted to kill me?:
Broke my heart?:
Kept something important from me?:
Thought I was unbearably annoying?:

+AND MORE...+
1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
6. Describe me in one word.:
7. What was your first impression?:
8. Do you still think that way about me now?:
9. What reminds you of me?:
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
11. How well do you know me?:
12. When's the last time you saw me?:
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:
14. Are you gonna paste this to your journal see what I say about you?:

so ladies and gents....or who ever the hell reads this thing, it's been a pretty eventful summer with traveling and all. I just got back from my last tournament for fastpitch in Santa Ana, California. Cali's not bad, nice weather, and people there are nice too, when they're not driving but nice all the same. The games went fine, we lost some (badly in some cases) and totally owned some other teams. The games went well. My team went to this high end mall. If you ever wnat to feel white trash in regular Northwestern street attire, that is the place to go. We would walk into these high end shops to look at stuff that we could afford if we sole a kidney and a liver on the blackmarket and even then we could only afford a keychain or something. That was an experiance that I will not soon forget, I did get a pretty awesome vest.

The beach at New Port is amazing and I recommend it to everyone. I did however almost get run over by a horde of crazy bicyclists, cat called by a couple of drunken guys and watched a music video with purple wigs and plastic wrap....I still have no idea who that singer was...any ideas?

FYI for those who don't know, walking barefoot across the golden shores of California can result in dialogue such as this...

"...ow...ow...#*&$..*(#&$..*&*%!" etc. Just imagine me running across the sands shouting obscenities while the locals all walk calmly through the near molten sands....

FUN....

Anyway, my season's over and I've got some homework to do and some friends to catch up with...(NAMELY ESTHER AND ZOE), Breaking Dawn is coming out and hopefully with carefull planning I'll be able to make a Premier party. It should be exiciting..

anyway... I stole this from :iconKuroi-Mezzy:

Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
SO FAR:1

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( ) Dumped someone
(x) Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 4

Level 3
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
(x) Slept With A Co-worker
() Seen Someone / Something Die (although I'm expecting someone to do die soon)
SO FAR: 7

Level 4
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your deviantART / sheezyart Friends (...not discussing anytime soon)
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 9

Level 5
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone Through Internet
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 12

Level 6
(x) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Liked/loved Someone Who You Cant Have (sigh...)
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 17

Level 7
(x) Had A Tea Party (more like anything with caffiene...)
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding
(x) Played Dress Up (still do...in private)
SO FAR: 22

Level 8
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sliding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School (in WORK AND SCHOOL)
SO far: 27

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 29

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled (...to death almost)
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 33

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
( ) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 35

Level 13
( ) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight (I'm free spirited...when no one's around)
SO FAR : 37

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced ( that would be a crime against humanity right there)
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 41

Level 15
( ) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World (does Hawaii count?)
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying ( about five times)
SO FAR: 43

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
( ) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 47

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't (...so many times and I hate it)
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain (in my dreams)
SO FAR: 50

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere
SO FAR: 54

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey (isn't that where we got AIDS from?)
SO FAR: 57

Level 20
( ) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina" (what person hasn't done that?)
( ) Swam With Dolphins (my sister calls them the "Rapists of the Sea"..comment for further details)
SO FAR: 58

Level 21
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cubes
( ) Kicked A Fish (what the hell did it ever do to you???)
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top and watched the stars (still do, when every one's asleep)
SO FAR: 61

Level 22
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
( ) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel (aerobatics don't work for me)
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours (my records an hour and 20)
(x) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 63

Level 23
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone (anyone care to join me?)
SO FAR: 66

Level 24
(x) Believed In Ghosts (still do)
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Visited Jail
SO FAR: 67

Level 25
( ) Played Chinese Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger (that was awkward)
( ) Broken A Bone (never)
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 70

Level 26
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 74

Level 27
( ) Mooned/Flashed Someone
( ) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
( ) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
( ) Gone Skinny Dipping (its on my To Do list though)
(x) Been Kicked Out Of Your House (its probably going to happen again)
SO FAR: 77

Level 28
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
(x) Black-Mailed Someone (my siblings, of course)
(x) Been Black Mailed (my big bro does it all the time)
SO FAR: 82

Level 29
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
( ) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 85

Level 30
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
( ) Flattened someones tires
(x) Rode in a car/truck until the gas light came on
( ) Got five dollars or less worth of gas
TOTAL: 86

Repost this with the title:
I've Done __ of the 120 stupidest things. (with your total in that blank spot.)

Well, I beat Esther...

so, I'm in Colorado and have been for the past week. I won't be coming home until Sunday night. I REALLY love being away from my family and I love (almost) being on my own, but I'm really home sick. I miss talking to my friends (especially you ESTHER and our talks) and I miss the sea level oxygen supply. (For those who don't know, Denver is over a mile above sea level meaning there is less oxygen in the air making it hard to breathe during long hours of exercise, plus its also really dry so you get nose bleeds a lot (>//< I can't stop laughing at that fact))

But anyway, fastpitch is fine. We won 9 games in a row and lost one today to a team we should have kicked the crap out of, but they were cool and called us a good ball club. Our coached picked up a Canadian named Nicole to pitch and she did really awesome. She was so cool and it was pretty interesting to talk to her about Canada and stuff.

I've been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately and I've been feeling really down about it. Mostly my family and my own personal summer emotional isolation. I just realized I have a crush on someone, but I'd rather not say who yet. But it tears me up inside just thinking about them. I'll just learn to deal I guess. I've had this before but I just kind of realize about a week into the crush that it'll never work out and I just slowly strave those emotions til the crush dies leaving an empty husk in its place. Its kind of painful, but in the end I just slowly forget about it.

I'm not sure if that is healthy or not. Tell me if so.

I went to a therapist about a week ago with my brother and sister, it was my mom's idea, to duscuss family issues and stuff. We talked and he started to describe the personality traits of me and my siblings according to our position as eldest middle and youngest. He hit my brother and sister right on the nail with his desciptions and then he got to me. He said that the 3rd and youngest child always has one foot in the door and one foot out. They really are introspective and really don't pay attention to their surroundings with people, emotions and situations. They tend to always prefer to be on the outside of things like relationships. The therapist said that I'll develop relationship problems later in life because of those traits.

...
Ever since I heard that, my heart just kinda started to beat slower. I felt horrible when I heard it because I realized that I do that so often. I just start thinking and soon days pass without my noticing. My friends would suddenly develop problems that have been going on for months and I hadn't noticed. My parents were fighting and I barely knew what was going on.

I feel terrible. I feel like I'm the crappiest person in the world. Am I just that self absorbed and escapist that I lose touch with family and friends? Have I always never be there for someone who needs it? I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one day and find that I let something terrible happen because I wasn't paying attention. Is someone going to die because of me?

And to the person who I fall in love with and who falls in love with me? What kind of a girlfriend would I be who's not there 100% of the time? How can I just let that person suffer from my escapism? How can I truly love them if I never fully address their needs and wants, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, if I constantly just let realty slip every now and then?

...who the hell am I?

.....I...just...

I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'll just shut the hell up now.
Disregard the mood thing...I feel hollow right now...